I’ve been single for about a year now, and as someone who finds going out in public quite taxing, it doesn’t really make it very easy to meet someone new, y’know?
I was catching up with an old friend fairly recently who has also come out of a long-term relationship this year, and she had enlightened me to the wonderfully weird world of Tinder (dick pic galore, apparently. Charming).
Now, I’m not usually one for online dating – I’m not sure why, because I don’t exactly feel at home approaching random guys in the street for fear of rejection and/or dribbling. However, as the person who usually attends weddings as “the single one” and has pictures with the dog next to all the loved up couples in the family, I figured I had nothing to lose.
So I’m not exactly expecting to fall madly in love with my Tinder matches, get impregnated and live happily ever after on an Austrian mountain with lots of chickens and goats; I’m actually just quite intrigued by the colossal amount of fascinating creatures you “swipe” across, with maybe a possible bonus of some relatively normal people you can actually have some interesting banter with.
I’ve been a user of the Internet’s sexiest programme for around 48 hours, and I’ve spent probably 84% of the time on this app being slightly terrified that it looks like I might, in fact, die alone. No matter where you live, your age range, interests or location radius, I will bet my favourite pyjama’s that you will come across any or all of these characters that will really make you wonder:
The Bodybuilder
Built like a brick shithouse, bald, probably a tribal tattoo on one of his bulging pectorals and following down his ginormous tree trunk of an arm to make a full sleeve, definitely topless in one or more photo’s and taking a selfie in the mirror either in the gym or in his bathroom, in other photo’s he’s out in the local nightclub with the boys wearing a very low v-neck and holding a bottle of beer with such tension in his arm that it’s almost making your eyes water. His bio says something about “living for the gym” and he’s probably a self-employed labourer (that would be handy to have around, though).
The Funny Guy
He’s in fancy dress in 5 out of 6 of his photo’s (there’s most likely a tutu in there somewhere), he’ll have a lovely, happy smile but you’re probably not quite sure whether he’s serious or not so swiping right is a bit unnerving. Besides, if you do match he’ll probably just end up asking to meet so he can flop around on top of you like a dead fish for 3 minutes before going back to his mates telling them how he made you scream with his wizard fingers (didn’t happen mate, wind your pencil dick back in). His bio probably says something sarcastic about being a volunteer at a shelter for abandoned puppies while also reading to the blind and housing the homeless, before confessing that it’s all a lie and he’s actually just a bit of a dick.
The Suited and Booted
Need I say more? There’ll be a fitted designer suit paired nicely with a dazzling luxury watch, a new Merc or BMW with a personalised number plate, an iced gem haircut, most likely a snap with some aviators on the lovely sands of Marbella and, of course, the compulsory Grey Goose shot in an overpriced City Centre cocktail bar. His bio will say something about being a “baller” and probably using the quote “work hard, play harder”. Lol, calm down Lance, wait til Daddy can’t keep you in his business cos you’re not supposed to molest the Receptionist.
The Spice Boy
Excruciatingly tight white shirt, surrounded by ‘his boys’, a summer full of Festivals, eyebrows better than yours (prick), but definitely not somebody who needs to be on Tinder because you know, he knows and his mother knows that he does a perfectly good job of porking and walking without the help of internet women throwing boob pics at him too. All of his photo’s have probably been taken on Snapchat with writing across the top and that flawless golden butterfly filter. His bio will have his snapchat name (compulsory, so he can send phallic photo’s and receive 10 second booby shots back) and will probably say something about Ibiza 2016 with the ladzzzzzz.
The Nice Guy
The only one you could probably justify taking home to your mum. His photo’s include outdoor adventures, maybe a few extreme sports, possibly a graduation photo, and he most likely has a dog. His bio actually describes him and his hobbies, but he probably won’t spark up conversation when you match, so you have to decide whether you want to take the mundane route with a simple “hey”, or a simple yet effective ice breaker: “Hey, why were the teachers eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils!” Hahaha lol please love me.
You never know, though, love usually hits you when you least expect it. We’re not in 1936 anymore, and men don’t approach women in a library and woo them with a smooth line before driving off into the sunset with a picnic and 75 years of happy marriage ahead. Maybe Tinder is the way forward: Dick pics are the new love letters and naughty messages sent inappropriately too soon are the new throwing stones at the bedroom window.
We shall see.
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